I'm starting to realize that wanting to go to school next semester is extremely unrealistic for me. I'm not gonna give up, but I have to start planning my next move if it's not to my dream school. I'm really starting to doubt that I will get in because 1. the teacher I asked for a recommendation has not emailed me back yet, and even if she does, I still failed her class 3 times. I just had one very key conversation with her that is really my only hope. 2. I can't get a positive deans report from my school because I withdrew midsemester so I'm really not allowed to go back. 3. It is realllllly late to be applying and then there's always 4. IF I somehow managed to get in, I will certainly have 0 scholarships which is a bit of an issue since this school will cost me $40,000+ a year.
It's all so ironic because if I had applied during high school I definitely would have gotten in and I would have been offered a pretty sizeable scholarship, I'm sure. But where I am now, I have to fight to get in, but I know if I were there, I would be like 400x more involved and inspired than if I had gone straight out of high school. On paper I just look so bad. If I could only talk to them....
So, when I most likely get turned down for this, I'm not really sure how I will take it. I've learned that I don't really handle rejection well, especially when it's something I REALLY REALLY want. I know what I should do- take classes at a community college, focus on my health, get a job, volunteer. If I do those things I will surely get in for the winter semester. BUT I JUST DON'T WANT THAT. UGH.
I HATE THIS PLACE SO MUCH. I WANT TO LEAVE. I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL IN THE FALL, INSTEAD OF MISSING OUT ON ANOTHER SEMESTER OF LIFE.
I WANT THESE THINGS SO MUCH AND I WILL DO SO WELL IF I'M GIVEN THE CHANCE. BUT PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY WAY I CAN PROVE THAT IS TO STAY HERE FOR THE SEMESTER. FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS. I JUST HATE THAT THINGS NEVER SEEM TO WORK OUT.