Tuesday, June 26, 2012

YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK LIKE. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I'm starting to realize that wanting to go to school next semester is extremely unrealistic for me. I'm not gonna give up, but I have to start planning my next move if it's not to my dream school. I'm really starting to doubt that I will get in because 1. the teacher I asked for a recommendation has not emailed me back yet, and even if she does, I still failed her class 3 times. I just had one very key conversation with her that is really my only hope. 2. I can't get a positive deans report from my school because I withdrew midsemester so I'm really not allowed to go back.  3. It is realllllly late to be applying and then there's always 4. IF I somehow managed to get in, I will certainly have 0 scholarships which is a bit of an issue since this school will cost me $40,000+ a year.

It's all so ironic because if I had applied during high school I definitely would have gotten in and I would have been offered a pretty sizeable scholarship, I'm sure. But where I am now, I have to fight to get in, but I know if I were there, I would be like 400x more involved and inspired than if I had gone straight out of high school.  On paper I just look so bad. If I could only talk to them....

So, when I most likely get turned down for this, I'm not really sure how I will take it. I've learned that I don't really handle rejection well, especially when it's something I REALLY REALLY want. I know what I should do- take classes at a community college, focus on my health, get a job, volunteer. If I do those things I will surely get in for the winter semester. BUT I JUST DON'T WANT THAT. UGH.

I HATE THIS PLACE SO MUCH. I WANT TO LEAVE. I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL IN THE FALL, INSTEAD OF MISSING OUT ON ANOTHER SEMESTER OF LIFE.

I WANT THESE THINGS SO MUCH AND I WILL DO SO WELL IF I'M GIVEN THE CHANCE. BUT PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY WAY I CAN PROVE THAT IS TO STAY HERE FOR THE SEMESTER. FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS. I JUST HATE THAT THINGS NEVER SEEM TO WORK OUT.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Always smile more than you cry, give more than what you take, and love more than you hate.

Lately I've been thinking about what an amazing impact some people have had on my life. Many of them weren't what I wanted them to be, in fact I've been very angry at a lot of them, but I'm so glad they were what they were.

It makes me think, though. I haven't been a positive impact on anyone, really. To most people, I bring a lot of disappointment and pain. So after being upset and bitter about that for like 10 minutes, I figured the best way to prove I've learned something is to change that. I want to be a positive influence on others, I want to bring happiness into their lives, I want to change their lives in the best way I can.

I know it's super unreasonable to think that I will be able to change  a lot of people's lives, but I'm going to focus on bringing something positive into their lives, even if it's just the tiniest thing.

After all, I may owe my life to the people who have done that for me.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Don't be scared to live your dreams even when you're going through a nightmare.

So I am super, super excited.  Wanna know why?? Last night I applied to another school. AHHHFLKJEISKLAFJ!! Who'd have known it would make me so happy?? I really wish I would have thought of this, like, a year ago.

The last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions for me so I'm really hoping I'm not just riding this high right now, but I have been interested in this school since I was 16 and now I think I finally have the guts to go there. It's a liberal arts school that's very open and encouraging people to take leadership roles, which until this year, was something that was very scary to me. Now it's everything I want.

I'm so excited I am literally going through the course catalog and writing down all the classes I want to take. I should really stop, because the chances of me getting in a very low, considering my GPA, but hopefully my essay combined with my high school GPA and test scores will win them over. It's still a long shot though. Send some luck my way please :)


Friday, June 22, 2012

Where I am

I'm Haley & I don't really know what to say about myself. I don't know what I like or what I want to do. I don't know where I should go and what I will do there. I don't know who loves me or if anyone even does. I don't know if I've ever been anything other than a negative impact on somebody's life.

I guess what I can tell you is that I'm 20, and living with my parents in a place that I hate. I failed out of college after my freshman year, even though I'm pretty smart. I tried going back to the same school last January, and after being extremely suicidal for 3 months, withdrew and came home. Since then I have just been sitting here.

I have bipolar. I've struggled with eating disorders and extremely low self esteem, but I think I'm over that now. Somehow in my past 2 years of hell I met someone who completely changed my outlook on life and myself, and I will always be grateful to have met him. I have lost a lot of things and fucked up a lot more, I am ready to change that, although I know it will be hard. Some nights I still go to bed wishing I will never wake up, picturing the location of every sleeping pill and pain killer in my house, but I won't do it. I can't.

There is something out there for me. Just because I haven't found it yet doesn't mean I won't tomorrow.