Friday, June 22, 2012

Where I am

I'm Haley & I don't really know what to say about myself. I don't know what I like or what I want to do. I don't know where I should go and what I will do there. I don't know who loves me or if anyone even does. I don't know if I've ever been anything other than a negative impact on somebody's life.

I guess what I can tell you is that I'm 20, and living with my parents in a place that I hate. I failed out of college after my freshman year, even though I'm pretty smart. I tried going back to the same school last January, and after being extremely suicidal for 3 months, withdrew and came home. Since then I have just been sitting here.

I have bipolar. I've struggled with eating disorders and extremely low self esteem, but I think I'm over that now. Somehow in my past 2 years of hell I met someone who completely changed my outlook on life and myself, and I will always be grateful to have met him. I have lost a lot of things and fucked up a lot more, I am ready to change that, although I know it will be hard. Some nights I still go to bed wishing I will never wake up, picturing the location of every sleeping pill and pain killer in my house, but I won't do it. I can't.

There is something out there for me. Just because I haven't found it yet doesn't mean I won't tomorrow.

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